Opt-Into Quitting with Ease

Mar 16, 2022

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I'm Kelley β€” licensed therapist, burnout expert, and host of the Black Girl Burnout podcast. I encourage black women to opt out of struggle and opt into our legacy of joy and accomplishment. Join me!

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Today, I want to talk to you about the process of quitting with grace. I am a firm believer in putting an end to people, places and things that no longer serve you. If it involves keeping you bogged down in a mentality of struggle, it has got to go. However, separating yourself from struggle needs to be done in a way that is healthy and emotionally positive. Today, we are going to focus on strategies to release relationships and employment with class and grace. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opting out of engagement with toxic people and workplace situations. Here is my question for you: who or what work-related issues would you like to release? Let’s talk about it.


Welcome to the Black Girl Burnout podcast, Kelly here.

Today’s episode is all about how to quit and how to quit with grace. I am a firm believer of leaving behind, stopping, and interrupting the things that do not serve you that cause you struggle in your life. But I also believe in doing that in a way that is healthy and emotionally positive for yourself.

So we don’t talk enough about one that it’s okay to. And today we’re gonna focus on quitting relationships and quitting employment. But two, we don’t talk about how to do that in a way that isn’t toxic. And I think a lot of the reason why quitting gets such a bad rap is because the way and the whys of quitting are often very un.

And I can tell you from my own experience, both in my personal and my professional life, I have not always quit with grace. I have quit in anger more than on one occasion, and I have been so proud of myself even when I have engaged in toxic behavior, while quitting people and quitting places, and had a support system around me that often cheered beyond when I engaged in this toxic behavior.

There’s nothing wrong with leaving behind a place and a person, but it’s all in how you do it. That makes an extraordinary difference, and we’ll have you opting out of struggle and opting into that life of ease that you are entitled to and born. . So we’re gonna talk today about four ways to really quit with Grace, to quit in a way that you can be proud of and can set a tone for the the way you want to live your life.

Part of the reason I wanted to talk about quitting with grace is because so many of us are ready to do just that. Are you sick and tired? Are you fed up with the way your life is going in certain areas? Is there a job that you’re like, if I could just snap my fingers and be independently financially stable, I would not come back here tomorrow?

if there’s a relationship in your life that is bringing you more heartache, more anger, and more pain than it is. And that could be both romantic and platonic. It may be time to quit, but quitting has to be thoughtful. And while I feel we spend a lot of time talking about why you need to get out of a situation or out of a job, we don’t spend enough time talking about how you leave, which is unfortunate because quitting is emotion.

Quitting a place of employment, even if it’s a toxic place and it’s the worst job you’ve ever had, still is emotional because on the way to getting to the quit mentality, you’ve endured probably a lot of abuse. You’ve had a lot of maybe anxiety about your job, anger, a lot of maybe depressive symptoms.

Even if quitting is the best decision for you, it still can be painful. When it comes to quitting people, it’s even more true. We’ve been taught to hang in there on things and stick it out with people, even if it’s our loved ones or a partner that we’ve been with for some time. Quitting a person can be some of the.

painful work you’ll ever do in your life, but there are times when it’s necessary. I’m never gonna say just to go around giving up on people left and right, but I am going to say that if a relationship dynamic brings you more pain than actual pleasure and. It may be time to consider leaving behind the relationship.

And if you cannot completely quit a person, let’s say you, they’re your family and you can’t imagine quitting them. What you can do instead in a situation like that is create some healthy boundaries. And there’s a previous podcast episode on that. But today we’re gonna focus on when you have made the decision to quit.

You are ready. You know it’s time to leave a relationship or time to leave a place of employment. Now the quitting begins. So let’s talk about the four ways to do that, that will be helpful. The first one is to plan your exit. If you can help it don’t. Spontaneously. Now, there may be moments where that just is called for if somebody makes you feel unsafe, for example, in a relationship, or there’s such a level of disrespect that if you do not say Stop it right now, you will never be able to kind of recover yourself.

So we all have our bright lines, the lines that cannot be crossed for ourselves. So sometimes you have to. Right on the moment, but I would argue 95% of the time you can quit with a plan. And that’s the first thing we wanna talk about. Make sure you have been thoughtful about your quit and thoughtful about the whys and the the how’s particularly of it.

We’re gonna focus on the how. , what are you going to do if you’re quitting a job? How much notice do you intend to give? What’s gonna be in your resignation letter if you need to write one? How are you gonna communicate your quitting to your coworkers, to your boss, to connections and networking that you’ve had with this job?

You really wanna think about what that’s gonna look. What relationships do you wanna take with you from your employment? You may have a mentor, you may have a coworker you dearly love. Start thinking about the mechanics of that. Think about what’s next. Is there another job lined up? Are you gonna take some time to rest and recover?

And where are your finances? While I believe in quitting, I never said it was easy, and it does take some thought and planning. When it comes to relationships, again, you wanna plan your quit there too. You wanna think about what’s the conversation you want to have with your partner, your friend, or your family member.

You wanna make sure you are calm when you’re doing it. So that needs to be part of your plan. When do you wanna do that? How can you make sure that when you’re quitting that person. Making sure you’re in a place of comfort. Where are you gonna do the quitting? Where are you gonna do the separation of the relationship?

All those things play a factor. What level of contact do you want with the person after you’ve said, I, I no longer want to have a relationship, are you gonna block their number? If it’s a partner, what? How are you going to separate in love? Because at the bottom of it all, we want to, when we separate from people and when we quote quick people, Who wanna do so in a loving way.

And so if you have children together and you wanna end a partnership, think about how you wanna do that. Think about bringing a therapist in to end and terminate a relationship. If you’re breaking up with a friend or quitting a friendship, you wanna talk about why you’re doing that and also anchor it in the fact that you love this person, but that you’re going in different.

However it is, plan out your words so they can be tactful and kind, but firm and boundaried, but again, tactful and kind. Think about where, what location. You’re gonna do this in a way that it’s healthy. You maybe not wanna do it publicly, depending on the dynamic you have with this person. Plan your quit.

Be thoughtful about it because if you’re not, it can become very ugly and damaging for both you and the other. . The second way to quit, I feel like with confidence and to quit with ease, is to develop a mindfulness practice as a key component of your exit strategy in your plan, . Oftentimes what happens is we don’t do this, and when we go to.

and I can speak from personal experience. We quit out of anger and what may feel at the moment like a great victory because we really gotta good dig in on a person or a, a boss or a place really can create some negative feelings and a burning of bridges that isn’t necessary. If our inheritance in our birthright black women is joy and beauty and love a harshness, cruelty, and weaponizing, sarcasm will not get us one step closer to that joy and beauty and inheritance.

It will however, bring us increasing conflict. It’ll tarnish our reputation. All the things that we don’t want to do. All the things that keep us locked in struggle. So on the way to quitting, develop a mindfulness practice. Meditate on why, on why. We’re gonna talk about that as our, one of our ways to do that.

Meditate on your why. Take deep breaths, manage your anxiety. Oftentimes the way we speak to each. Harshly or tined with cruelty is a trauma response. It’s rooted in anger and fear is often underneath the anger and hurt, or pain is often underneath the fear. No doubt in your life, people have treated you poorly and taken advantage, and maybe in the situation you’re trying to quit right now, they’ve done that.

The protective part of ourselves often wants to jump in and put up our armor and be cruel to avoid someone saying something to us that may hurt our feelings or the feeling of rejection that we may get if somebody takes our quitting well too well for us. Like, what do you mean? I wasn’t a valued employee?

You’re taking this too well, or I’m breaking up with you and you are not hysterically crying. You wanted to get rid of me. We let our anxieties and our fears drive the termination of an employ employment opportunity or a relationship that we may have. And when we do that, it causes a lot more pain to ourselves.

It causes guilt, and it makes us feel bad about quitting. Leaving something behind or letting go of something is not something we should feel guilt about when we do it the right way. So a mindfulness practice can simply be getting up each morning, taking deep breaths, doing a body scan, doing a quick meditation.

If you’re a religious person engaging in prayer or reading of a religious text, something to ground you in calm, do that every. Before you quit, and at least seven days before it, and most importantly, do it right before you engage in the quitting. Do that mindfulness practice. Before you send your resignation letter, do that mindfulness practice.

Before you have that hard conversation, take five minutes and engage in some mindfulness, and I promise you it’ll make quitting go a lot. The third way to quit in a healthy way and really quit with ease. Opt into the ease that can be quitting and leaving something behind is to be clear on the why. , we talked about this.

Really ground yourself into why you want to leave. Make that a part of your exit strategy and your plan, right? Make that an integral piece. What’s the why? Why are you leaving behind this relationship? What about it no longer serves you? Why are you leaving behind this job? What about it no longer serves you?

Focus on what freeing job or connection can do for your life. Leaving a job behind means that I get to pursue something I really care about. Leaving behind an unhealthy relationship means I can attract and bring into my life partners that honor me, friends that are there for me and care about me. I can let go of these folks to bring into my life the folks that I really want to build, my supportive network and community.

Ruminate spend time on the why. And last but not least, don’t be afraid to walk away in silence. I know I told you to have a strategy and think about even talking points, but there are times where you just need to walk away in silence. Those times can vary. They often happen when you’ve hit a breaking point and something so disrespectful or so toxic has happened that you need to leave.

Now. Ultimately, there are times where we overexplain ourselves, particularly as women, that we feel compelled to narrate every reason why we’re leaving something behind. And there are times when people and toxic work environments have given you no. To explain that you don’t owe them anything, and there are times where simply saying, I’m not returning in an email may be sufficient that you say you block their number and never speak to a person again.

And that’s sufficient too. The key and the goal here is to know when to walk away in silence and when. Do an exit plan and a strategy and really we’re gonna flag highly toxic environments. Places you feel unsafe with people you feel unsafe, you it may be healthy to just exit quietly. Then it is to engage in a dialogue where you write out why you’re leaving all the details, where you’re going next, uh, who, who’s the new person in your life, what new friends you’re going to have.

It’s really important that we give ourselves permission to not narrate and announce every aspect of our lives. Not everybody, not everything is owed an explanation. And knowing when to quit in silence, when to walk away, put your notice in and just go. You don’t need to tell anybody where you’re going next.

You don’t need to go into details with coworkers who’ve only just been nosy, but not supportive. You can just say, I’m leaving, and let that be enough. Give yourself permission to. Use silence as the great healer for yourself. That there are things that you can protect that are just yours, are all alone, and that people who are worthy get to know the details and the reasons for your quitting.

And people who are not, get nothing. They get silence. So while it’s okay to have a plan and I advocate for it, it’s also okay to not let everyone know. And to walk away in silence when it is a healthy and needed option. So we went over today, the four ways to quit with Grace and to quit with ease. And so our healing practice for today is as follows.

I want you to think about an area in your life that you want. And I want you to first in your practice, start building some boundaries around that area. If you’re ready to quit your job, that’s great. Go ahead and start thinking about quitting your job, but make a part of your exit strategy setting up great boundaries around it, saying, I’m not gonna stay late anymore.

Or saying to that coworker that constantly pushes on you and pushes you to do more work, “I’m going to draw a line today.” Start putting in boundaries in all the areas and places you wat to quit. If you have a friend that’s toxic, that just calls you when they need, you start setting the boundary that you don’t answer the phone every time they call or that you say, “I can’t help you right now. I have X, Y, and Z going on.” Or just, “I cannot, I have to take care of myself.”

Start verbalizing your boundaries. Even if you are going to quit, eventually you’re going leave the relationship. Reinforcing your boundaries creates a healthy habit that you will bring with you to your next place of employment and your next partnership or friendship.

So that’s it for this episode of Black Girl Burnout. You can find this podcast across all major platforms. Please like, subscribe, and relieve a review if you’re moved to, if this podcast resonates with you, feel free to share it, and until we speak next, take care of yourself and take care of each other.


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Are you a black woman who has been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and confined to the struggle? If so, the Black Girl Burnout podcast is here for you. Journey along with host Kelley Bonner as she interviews guests and shares personal anecdotes about productive ways to opt-out of struggle and opt into happiness,  while navigating the unique challenges and joys of being a black woman in today’s world. From work and relationships to self-care and mental health, this podcast is a safe space to explore and find support along the journey towards your goals. Join our community and start feeling more connected and less burnt out.”

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Special thanks and appreciation to the team for all that you do! 🧑

Producer  – Wendye Walter

Creative Director – William Cornell

Associate Producer – Amanda St. Maur

Cover Art – Reignland Creatives