Opt-Out of Lies

May 9, 2022

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I'm Kelley β€” licensed therapist, burnout expert, and host of the Black Girl Burnout podcast. I encourage black women to opt out of struggle and opt into our legacy of joy and accomplishment. Join me!

Meet Kelley


Today’s episode is all about opting out of lies. Now, lies happen every day, all around us. And if we’re being honest, we’re probably have told a few. But, today we’re not going to focus on the lies that get told to us and the lies we may tell to others. That’s coming up in future podcasts. Today, I’m going to talk about the lies that we tell ourselves. Next, I will discuss strategies that will help you to learn how to opt-out of those lies. I want to start by talking about the original lie, about black women being born to struggle, born to suffer, and born to be trapped in a cycle of fighting. For decades black women have been conditioned into believing that we will never experience joy, our true inheritance, and legacy. If you are ready to release these false beliefs from your life, this episode is for you. Let’s talk about it.


Welcome to the Black Girl Burnout podcast, Kelley here.

And today’s episode is all about opting out of lies. Now, lies happen every day, all around us. And if we’re being honest, we’re probably have told a few. But we’re not going to focus today on the lies that get told to us and the lies we may tell to others. That’s coming up in future podcasts. And in other ways. I will address that.

Today I’m going to talk about the lies we tell ourselves and how to opt out of those lies. And I want to start by talking about the original lie I think about black women, the lie that I have fundamentally told us that we have to opt out of which is the lie about struggle. The lie that we as black women were born to struggle we’re born to suffer, we’re born to be trapped in a cycle of fighting, and never experiencing joy and never experiencing our inheritance and our legacy. And because of that original lie, there’s so many offshoots of that right that have become myths that we carry with us whether we realize it or not. And then once those myths are in the air, so to speak, and a part of our culture and a part of who we are, they become lies that we tell ourselves, they show up as imposter syndrome. They show up as limiting self-belief, they show up as self-esteem.

And so today I want to talk to you about the lies that we tell ourselves about who we are, about what love is like, and about what we can do. And I’ll give you as always a healing practice to close out your day, and hopefully get you on the path to opting out of lies and opting into honesty. As always, I like to be transparent and tell you about myself.

There have been a lot of lies in my life. I grew up thinking a lot of things about myself that just weren’t true. And in hindsight, when I look back, I think, “Man, did I miss out” because when you lie to yourself, you deprive yourself of opportunities and you deprive yourself of moments of expanding your life of having better when you opt in to start a goal and you believe that first lie it, there’s so many other lies that come with it. And there were so many things I believed about what I could do, how I could love what I was capable of that had me living half a life. And part of that is just growing up and being mature. And some of it’s inevitable.

But there’s parts of that my experience that I feel like, well, if I can tell one person about what I’ve learned, and save them from what I went through, I feel called to do that. Particularly when it came to the lies, I told myself about who I could be, and who I was. I had such small goals for myself. I really struggled with impostor syndrome. And I’ll be honest with you, I still struggle with impostor syndrome. I’m going to have a series on that in this later on. So stay tuned. That’s my next three-part series on conquering impostor syndrome.

But I really struggled with that I often felt unworthy. Or I often felt that when I did great things, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, when too many good things were happening, I was just very uncomfortable with the good. And a lot of that was because there were a lot of not-great things that had happened in my life in the past, and people in my life that had not been great to me. I had a lot of great people in my life, too. But I hung onto and really thought a lot about those people who had done me wrong.

And as a result, I never fully trusted in the good. And because of that, I told myself the lie that good things don’t last. And therefore, I couldn’t really be good. And that good was only temporary. And that limited who I could be. Because if good was only temporary in my life, well, then I could only be good for so long. Before things were bad again, if things were going good for me professionally, well, that was a countdown to when it was going to go wrong. And because I believe that lie. I acted accordingly and engaged in self-sabotage, and engaged in behaviors that made that lie the truth.

You see, that’s the tricky thing about lies, you can say them so many times that they become true. I also believed a lot of lies about love. We’ve talked about love before in the podcast in many different ways. But I had some really cynical ideas about love. They were all through the lens of heartbreak and loneliness in a very negative way, I had a very narrow view of what love could be and couldn’t be. And I behaved in a way that the lie became the truth. I allowed myself to think that I couldn’t have love in my life. And so I didn’t see it when it was around me. And I pushed it away when it was coming toward me. I lied to myself about the possibilities that existed for me. And for time because of that I almost had a really small life.

Dear listener, I don’t want that for you. You deserve a big, beautiful life. And one of the first ways to get there is by stopping the lies that you tell yourself. What that means is if there’s a lie that you tell yourself that says things can’t get better. If there’s a goal that you have for yourself a secret goal or dream that you say I can’t have that. If you really want partnership in your life and you lie to yourself and say it’s not going to happen for me. I want you to start yourself on a journey to honesty, to understand that you can be just about whoever you want to be that when we lie to ourselves about our potential, and we cap it in love in life, in our professional endeavors, we self-sabotage until we make it the truth.

On the other hand, sometimes we lie to ourselves about the unhealthy behaviors, beliefs, and patterns that we have in our lives. And we try to pass them off as something other than they are. There may be relationships and choices that we’re making on the regular that aren’t good. And are we lying to ourselves about that? And again, this is not coming from a place of judgment, the number of times I lied to myself, about a potential partner about a potential job. Oh, I’ll be honest about me. There were times where I thought to myself, “Oh, no one could tell me anything, I am Superwoman. I am so good. I am so right. Everyone is wrong.”

Not me. And it was a lie. I was so wrong, I was self-righteous. The amount of times I tried to make a man in my case, the romantic lead in a story. The amount of lies I told myself to get him to that role. And when he wasn’t, the amount of times that I tried to spin a situation that I put myself into, to make myself the hero or the heroine.

Those lies only ever cost me. And the quicker I figured out that they were lies that I was telling myself. The better it was for me, the longer I continued to lie to myself, the more painful it was. And so my question for you today to think about and really challenge yourself if are there areas in your life where your limiting beliefs about who you are, who you could be.

What could be in your life, whether it be relationship or your career? Are there places where you’re undermining yourself and telling yourself lies to keep yourself down? Or maybe you are your biggest cheerleader and you don’t struggle with impostor syndrome. If that’s the case, then do an inventory and think about areas in your life where maybe you’re engaging in some deception and a little bit of delusion.

And maybe there’s areas of your life where you’re lying to yourself about maybe some of the goals, or some of the habits that you have, or qualities that you think you have. Maybe people have pointed things out to you that you think aren’t true, but maybe there’s room to work on relationships or even work on yourself.

We don’t want to tell ourselves lies because there comes a point where the lies become the truth because we behave accordingly. And more importantly, the lies stop us from living the life we deserve. The lies keep us opted fully in struggle. I’ve never met a person who was honest with themselves that was opted in struggle because honesty releases you It frees you from struggle, because honesty is the first step to being able to make the changes you need to Be joyful, to be able to build community and to be able to have abundance and love in your life.

Don’t let lies stop you from being the best, most amazing version of yourself. I know for years, it stopped me from being the best version of myself. And I don’t want that for you. We deserve to be happier and healthier. And the key to that is starting on that inventory. So think about it. On your healing practice for today, think about the areas of your life where there may be some, some lies, there may be some places where things just aren’t quite adding up, there’s some there’s a gap between what you think may be true, and what your behavior and actions in certain areas of your life are telling you.

Again, maybe you’re accomplishing great things in your life, but you feel like you’re a failure. Maybe you’re panicked about a relationship that’s stable, but you’re waiting for things to fall apart. Or maybe you are thinking you are in the greatest love story of all time. But the behavior of your partner just isn’t adding up. Maybe you think you’ve done all you can do in your job, and it’s everyone else’s fault. But when you do a real, honest self-assessment, you realize there’s a lot of things that you could do to make your day-to-day job better.

I’m not here to judge you, and nobody else is either. That self-assessment you can do all on your own. But take the time to do it today. It’ll fully help you opt out a struggle. And it’ll help you opt out of lies and opt into honesty so you can embrace the joy that you truly deserve. That’s it for today’s episode of the podcast. This podcast is across all major platforms. So feel free if this message reaches you and it’s touching you to share it with your network. You can subscribe to the podcast you can read it and review it now on Spotify and Apple podcasts.

And as always, until we talk next, take care of yourself and take care of each other.


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Are you a black woman who has been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and confined to the struggle? If so, the Black Girl Burnout podcast is here for you. Journey along with host Kelley Bonner as she interviews guests and shares personal anecdotes about productive ways to opt-out of struggle and opt into happiness,Β  while navigating the unique challenges and joys of being a black woman in today’s world. From work and relationships to self-care and mental health, this podcast is a safe space to explore and find support along the journey towards your goals. Join our community and start feeling more connected and less burnt out.

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Special thanks and appreciation to the team for all that you do! 🧑

Producer  – Wendye Walter

Creative Director – William Cornell

Associate Producer – Amanda St. Maur

Cover Art – Reignland Creatives